For many years, I worked with graduate business students preparing them to work effectively together in teams. From time to time, during a conversation about building relationships with their teammates, I would hear someone say:
“I’m not here to make friends.”
Whenever this happened, I would shake my head and think: You’re here to study business. And business runs on trusting relationships. If you want to be effective in business, you had better learn how to make friends with people.
To be fair, maybe “make friends” is an oversimplification. You don’t need to become close personal friends with everyone you work with. But you do need to learn how to connect with people. Because human connection is where trusting relationships begin.
If you haven’t read Stephen M. R. Covey’s The Speed of Trust, I recommend it. The book spells out the benefits of trusting relationships at work, at home, and in society, and provides practical guidance for building and maintaining them. I have seen ideas from the book put to work in a number of organizations, and to great effect.
But I have one minor criticism of its framework. Covey describes credibility in terms of two broad components: character and competence. In simple terms, competence is about whether I can trust your ability to do what you are expected to do. Character is about whether I can trust you to behave with integrity—to tell the truth, keep your commitments, and act consistently with your stated intentions.
Both matter enormously. But I think there is another dimension to trust that is too often overlooked: human connection.
Human connection is separate and distinct from competence and character. I may believe that you are extraordinarily competent, and I may have no reason whatsoever to question your character. And yet, I still may not feel comfortable being vulnerable with you. This distinction matters because trust, at its core, requires vulnerability.
Vulnerability between two people doesn’t usually begin with an assessment of each other’s competence or character. It begins much more simply: Who are you? Do you understand me? What do we have in common? Can I be myself around you?
If you have heard me talk about trust before, you have probably heard me say this: Commonalities are at the foundation of every trusting relationship.
I believe this very deeply.
Think about the people you trust most. Somewhere along the way, you discovered something you shared. Maybe it was an experience, an interest, a background, a value, a challenge, a sense of humor, or even a mutual frustration. Those discoveries gave you a place from which to begin understanding one another.
The problem is that commonalities don’t always reveal themselves on their own. Finding them takes time and effort. This is one reason likability matters in leadership—not because leaders need to win popularity contests, but because relationships matter. People are more willing to open themselves to someone who demonstrates genuine interest in them and allows them to return that interest.
If you’re looking for a practical place to start, consider two simple behaviors: reciprocated interest and disclosure.
First, take an interest in other people. Make small talk. Ask what’s going on in their lives. Ask questions and genuinely try to understand their answers. Listen closely enough that you can ask a follow-up question or reflect back what you heard. Remember something they told you and ask about it the next time you see them.
But interest alone isn’t enough. You also have to disclose something about yourself. Let your guard down. Share your own experiences, interests, uncertainties, and stories. Give the other person an opportunity to know you—not just your title, expertise, or professional persona.
That requires a small amount of vulnerability. And that’s precisely the point. When you are willing to go first, to share something personal about yourself, you send an important signal to the other person: “It’s safe for you to be your whole self around me.”
When you engage in reciprocated interest and disclosure, commonalities begin to surface. And as they do, two people who previously knew each other only through roles—boss and employee, colleague and colleague, client and consultant—begin to see each other as human beings.
That human connection does not create trust all by itself. You still have to demonstrate your competence. You still have to show through your actions that you are a person of character. But human connection creates the foundation upon which trust can be built.
It gives us a reason to become a little more willing to be vulnerable. It creates the opportunity for me to learn whether I can rely on your competence and character—and for you to learn the same about me.
Competence gives me a reason to trust what you can do.
Character gives me a reason to trust what you will do.
Human connection gives me a reason to start trusting who you are.
So whenever you can, stop focusing on what you intend to get from others, and just learn how to make friends. Human connection is where trusting relationships begin.